The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest

J: This is Tesco’s Value vanilla cheesecake. One sixth of it contains 20g of fat – or 29 percent of your recommended daily allowance. The second fattiest yet.

H: Yeah, I think that last Marks and Spencer one is Cheesecake: The Extreme Edition. Overpriced and not worth it. I have to say though that this Tesco cheesecake looks about as appetising as a cowpat. It’s horrific, like a white splotch.

J: But it comes in a tin foil thing unlike the others, so at least it’s a microwaveable cowpat.

T: Ha! What? It isn’t microwaveable!

R: Why would you microwave a cheesecake?

J: I dunno! Why would you microwave a cowpat?

H: What the frick are you talking about? It’s metal! You’d break your microwave!

J: No, I’d do it at your house and break your microwave.


H: Whatever, this is better than the other cheap one. The Basics one, I mean. At least the biscuit isn’t sloughing off.

R: The top bit isn’t too bad, you know?

H: Very gooey though.

R: Yeah, well I wouldn’t serve it to anyone.

J: It’s not too bad.

T: Ooooh, hang on.

<Tim clutches his stomach>

T: The Christmas pudding is coming back. Ugh! Yuck!


Hiren (returning to the table): Shall I get a fork?

J: Sure, pull up a chair. Help yourself.

R: Jesus, Hiren! Have much?

Hiren: I’m hungry! You don’t keep a figure like this by not eating a lot, you know.

Harry: Oh, I’m reaching my cheesecake capacity now.

T: I’m going to have to go to the toilet and drop the kids off at the pool in a minute. This is just…ugh.

Hiren: I wouldn’t. Someone’s been in and dropped a monster again. Big one. Perfectly round.

J: Another one like before? A poo-tato?

Hiren: Yeah, huge. Like, massive.

Harry: No, no. Not now. Let’s move on to the next one.

J: We’ll talk about Thunder-poo later.